Don’t Get Too Comfortable

My spirit was disturbed in the wee hours of the morning on April 25, 2015. I was unaware of what the day was going to bring and I was not prepared for the events that followed. News spread throughout my family that my one and only brother in law William Crawford had passed away at the young age of 55 after dealing with an on going up and down battle with congestive heart failure. My sister Latrese  (affectionally known as Trese) performed CPR until the paramedics arrived desperately trying to save his life. The paramedics and the doctors at the hospital did all they could but his poor heart couldn’t take it and he transitioned to be with The Lord, his mother, father and mother in law.

William Crawfrod

Having to break the news to my 14 year old son AJ  who says to me “Why does someone else in our family have to die. We’re not over memama.” was the beginning of the overwhelming emotions that would transpire throughout the course of the day. It took me about 45 minutes to get to the hospital in the pouring rain. Walking into WellStar Douglasville Emergency Room, I could feel the sense of loss. When I turned the corner I saw my oldest brother Calvin holding Trese in his arms, my niece Jasmine being comforted by her Aunt Nell (William’s sister) and my nephew Jeremy sitting off to the side with his hands in his head. I went to my sister and embraced her. Through her muffed tears she said “I tried to safe him, I tried.” My heart was broken for my sister.

Hearing Latrese explain the events leading up to her husband’s passing is surreal. From the dinner they ate together, the conversation and laughs that closed the evening, to his non responsiveness of the early morning and crying out for her sisters Carol and I for comfort because the world around her had crashed in a matter of minutes. Everything she knew to exist was gone.

When we returned to the home she shared with her husband, Trese tried to maintain well but in those moments she sat in silence tears started to fall and she cried out in pain. Even though she was surrounded by her children, siblings, other family members and close friends the one person she wanted, the one who understood her more than anyone wasn’t there. We knew her heart was broken and you could feel it in the atmosphere. Unless you’ve loss a spouse you could never know the pain that she is experiencing in but can sympathize. Every time you loose  someone different in your life it resurrects the emotions of a previous loss. True enough you never get over one loss, you learn to deal but how do you deal with loosing a parent and a spouse all within 3 years? Latrese has loss her husband of over 20 years, father of her children, friend, confidant, biggest support and cheerleader. I had no words of comfort and I couldn’t tell her “I’m sorry for her loss.”.  I gave Trese the only thing  I had and that was to be there in whatever capacity she needed so I found myself laying at the foot of their bed watching her rub the place where he slept and crying till she fell asleep.

Latrese and William ‘Husbands love your wives.”

William loved my sister with all his heart and I can only pray to have that kind of unconditional love and supportive love from my significant other. He was a very good hard working man, caring and compassionate, loving husband, father, brother, uncle, friend and a damn good cook. With all that goodness wrapped into one person the family found ourselves asking the same question on April 7, 2012 “Why?” and the same answer is the same as it was then, “It’s God’s will.” That age old answer does’t provide the necessary comfort that is very much needed but prayerfully it will follow in the months and years to come.

William will be missed and this unexpected loss truly hurts. His physical absence is a constant reminder to never get too comfortable in thinking your loved ones will be always be around. You should learn to enjoy life’s moments and the people you love in. Stop texting and start calling. See one another and let people know how much they mean to you. I never thought in a million years that Easter Sunday, April 5, 2015 was going to be the last time that I saw, spoke, hugged and broke bread with my favorite (and only) brother in law, William.

Matthew 24:36 New Living Translation
However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself.  Only the Father knows.

Surrounded By Family February 14, 2015: Willam seated on the far right.

Where’s My Reward?

Alzheimer’s came into my family’s life in the early to mid 90’s when my precious Grandmother the Late Julia Mae Brown was diagnosed. We knew very little about the disease and went along with what the doctors said and did what they told us to do. Gran became a shell of her former self. She was very forgetful, didn’t remember her family, wandered off and even had angry out bursts. The Grandmother who would walk me across the street to Mrs. Winner’s to get cinnamon rolls, dance and sing was mentally gone.

Mom watched my Gran slip away and I know it hurt her terribly. She was the only girl and shared a very special relationship with her. I recall the hurt in my Mother’s voice as she eulogized Gran on December 11, 2006  “So long Julia, So long Julie, So long Mom… Bye Bye take your rest…” It was after that moment that we would often hear Mom say “Lord, let me keep my mind.” Then a couple of years later my step-mother passed away from a tragic fall due to hemorrhaging in her brain. Mom became extra careful with going up and down steps and more cautious of things around her. She didn’t want what happened to Gran or my step-mom to happen to happen to her. As a life skills trainer for the Learning Services Mom had a soft spot for the patients she worked with who suffered from major brain injuries. We were all shocked to learn that Mom had a terminal and cancerous brain tumor.

I remember taking Mom to her very first oncology appointment. The doctor had no beside manner, was very cold (to me anyways) and told Mom she could do radiation and take the chemotherapy pill that at the end of the day most people with gliblastoma mutliforme only live 2 to 5 years from diagnosis. I sat there in shock, looking at this man who basically told me that my Mother, my world, my reason for being a “miracle” would die! Mom on the other hand seemed unmoved by what he was saying, she was very polite and said “Ok” and “Thank you.” took the prescriptions, referrals, gave the man a hug and walked out. I’m not sure if she held it together because I (the youngest of her children) was there or what. On the way home steady tears streamed down my face and Mom said to me “Merical Joy, do I need to drive?” I said “No, ma’am.” and then she said “Well, fix your face.” I knew that while the doctor told my Mom she was going to die, she knew who had the final answer. (1 Corinthians 15:58 | NIV Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.)

Mom’s first oncology visit

This is why I found myself being upset with God today… Psalms 37:4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Mother prayed to keep her mind, so why couldn’t she have her hearts desire to not suffer like her mother, my step mother and her patients at work? She accepted His call, did what He asked and during the worse part of her illness she felt as if she had more work to do.” For the life of me I can’t understand “WHY??” To me, she DID have more work to do. There was so much more that I needed to know and learn from her. By no way do I believe that God is a magician, but I do believe that He is a miracle worker. Didn’t my Mom deserve a miracle? With all of her ups, downs, struggles and success shouldn’t she have gotten something?

Mom’s Last Radiation Treatment

After I got out of my feelings and into my Bible and then to google for further research, 1 Corinthians 2:9 was revealed to me and it says, “However, as it is written: What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived — the things God has prepared for those who love him.” At the end of the day how can you question that?

Everything that happened leading up to Mom’s transition is still very fresh and hard to accept sometimes especially with the anniversary of her passing approaching. I’m doing the best I can for the most part because I DO know God, I DO Love Him, and I DO believe in His Word and I KNOW she’s not coming back. It’s just today is not a good day. I really miss, want and need my Mommy and I pray tomorrow will be better.

Why Not Me?

We were sitting at the table with my Uncle George during our annual family picnic and he says “I miss my Sis.” He said during his last conversation with Mom before she passed he asked her “Sis, have you ever asked God “Why me?”” and she said to him “Why not me?” At that moment I was speechless. It was such a profound statement from such a profound woman. We will never know how and what Mom was feeling leading up to her transition but one thing we DO know is, that she accepted whatever God had in store for her.

How many times have you questioned God and asked why something was happening to you? Better yet, how many times have you thought that God was punishing you? I know I have. I used to think that God was mad at me. He was mad at me for not going to church, not praying, reading the Bible and tithing like I was supposed to. I was in a dark place, depressed and very unhappy for more than a year. I felt like God didn’t love me anymore. He had taken my Mother and other things away from me. I couldn’t see the light or find my way through. It was a dear friend of Mom’s who spoke new life into me. She reminded me that God didn’t DO anything to me, He didn’t take anything away. God was simply preparing me for a new harvest in my life. He will never take anything from you that won’t be replaced with something better. When I look back at the times I questioned God, I can hear Mom’s voice saying “Why not me?” and am reminded that God gives his battles to his strongest soldiers.  Those three words are an affirmation that I had to go through some heartaches, heart breaks, some losses, and tears to be able to appreciate God’s love for me. Right now I can appreciate my life, job, finances and relationships more. I can truly understand that all things happen in divine order according to God’s will. We are exactly where He wants us to be in our lives.

Life’s A Beach

I had the pleasure to wake up one morning and walk along the beach. There’s nothing like the sound of the water washing up on the shore and the feeling of sand between my toes. I’m at peace when I’m on the beach because it seems as if everything fades as the waves come and go.

Every time the water meets the sand and goes back into the ocean it leaves a different mark. I began to wonder, what will my mark be? How will I be remembered? Will people remember how I made them feel? Things I said or didn’t say? Things I did or didn’t do? Will they remember my smile and laughter?

Walking The Beach

I have always felt like I needed closure. No matter what the situation was, I always wanted people to know how I felt or how they made me feel. I would often times loose sleep when things went unresolved or when I felt like someone wronged me. Eventually I realized that sometimes closure means leaving things, situations and even people alone and simply moving on. I had to remember to pray about whatever it was and put it in God’s hands. I also had to have faith that He would give me a sense of peace and that was better than closure.

I believe the best thing to do in moving on and creating an everlasting mark is to make sure your body of work, (your life) is done with integrity and humility. Life is not easy, we are not perfect and we should never miss an opportunity to start over and make better decisions. Pray without ceasing. Take responsibility for your actions.  Apologize when you’re wrong, even if it’s not accepted. Love unconditionally. Give cheerfully. Enjoy life and the people in it. Live with no regrets. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Smile and laugh often. Forgive as Christ has forgiven you.

Mom left us with memories that will never fade and numerous and valuable life lessons. I will never forget this particular lesson I learned, while simply walking along the beach.

When you leave this place, leave your mark and be remembered.

Sister Friends

I read this beautiful prayer in my women’s daily bread last week…

“Father God, thank You for giving us the gift of friendship. May I be the blessing to my girlfriends that they are to me. Please help me to always encourage and love them and to be a loving support for them in both their trials and their happiness. I praise you You for my loving sisters. Amen.”

Mom would say “You don’t have any friends” and I would get so upset because every person that I was cool with was my friend. It took years for me to realize what Mom meant. During Mom’s transition, passing and even now, I started to see who my real friends were. Your circle of friends are a reflection of who you are and I am surrounded by some of the most incredible women. They are compassionate, loving, supportive, funny and a true blessing to my life.

These women prayed, laughed, cried, encouraged and hugged me. They held me up and kept me going. They aren’t just my girlfriends they are my sisters and I am grateful for every single one of them and they know who they are. Love You Divas!

 

Learning to Grow in Faith

My mom loved to plant things. She had the most amazing green thumb I’d ever seen. Needless to say I wasn’t surprised to notice that the flowers she planted more than 4 years ago still bloom every spring/summer. It’s been 2 years since she passed. 

This flower symbolizes to me that no matter what happens during our troubled season, there’s always a better season to come. We have to learn to be faithful through the process.

 Ecclesiastes 3:2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.

2 Peter 3:18 ESV

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.

 

Always There

In preparing for a Kentucky Derby themed party I was faced with the question every woman asks “What do I wear?” I did what most women do, I went to the mall. Checked out a couple of my favorite stores and found the perfect dress in The Limited. The next question I was “Where am I going to find a hat?” Most people know that my mom was the queen of hats and accessories. I didn’t consider her things because they aren’t necessarily my style. After looking around and texting friends I came up empty and disappointed. Once I got home and settled (to my mom’s house) something told me to look in the closet. Low and behold Mom had a hat that matched perfectly with my dress. A hat still in the plastic wrapping with the paper stuffed inside. I pulled out the hat and tried it on and it wasn’t too much or too little. It was just right. As I looked in the mirror I felt my mother’s presence. It almost seemed as my reflection were hers looking back at me. I laughed and said “Thanks mom for always being there.”

I am reminded of the life of Jesus Christ. He lived, taught, prayed, suffered and died. He left part of Himself here in the form of the Holy Spirit to intercede on our behalf. The Holy Spirit also comforts and reminds us of His love. Often times we don’t consider Him in the things we do but when we operate in the spirit, His presence is ALWAYS there and can ALWAYS be felt.

Thank you Mom for reminding me of how Christ operates in our lives when we are tuned into Him. Thank you for showing me what it means to have a close personal relationship with Christ. To ALWAYS know that He is ALWAYS there for us even when we aren’t there for ourselves.

In Loving Memory of Patricia Thomas

Dear “Momma Pat”,

Thank you for your life, love and laughter. You were the ultimate role model for your daughter Chanta, anchor for your family, and the life of the party for your friends.

As I sat during your service and listened to the wonderful things people said about you, I began to understand more and more why it was so hard for Chanta to let you go. “Pat had a light and a smile about her that was known wherever she went.” You were an incredible woman. A woman after God’s own heart, just like my mother.

Rev. Carl Hardy said something that really spoke to me, “Things happen in a person’s death for things to happen in another person’s life.” When someone close to us dies, we question and sometimes even deny it. As much as we try believe that it is all in God’s ultimate plan for that person to leave us, we have a hard time believing that there is an even better plan for us. The only thing we see is the cloud of grief and the pain of the loss. Until the clouds pass away and the pain hurts less, I will have to remind myself of the “Pat Lessons” that you lived by and left for others to follow.

1. Be true to your commitments. (Family, Friends)
2. Bounce back from setbacks. (Through it all enjoy life. Life must go on.)
3. Love on family and friends (A hug, kiss, phone call and visit go a long way.)
4. Keep God in the center. (All things happen in God’s time.)

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it. ~Mother Teresa~

I promise to look out for Chan for you. It’s unfortunate that our losses brought us closer together but it is a bond that can never be broken. “All things happen in God’s time.”

Love,
Merical

Happiness

Always on my mind; forever in my heart.

April is approaching and it is the cruelest month ever. While others are basking in the introduction of spring and all things blossoming and beautiful. My family is dreading the anniversary of my moms passing.

Life is never the same after losing a parent even as an adult. For the first time, the person who knew us best, loved us unconditionally and who from the moment of our birth had always been an integral part of our life is no longer alive.

Gone are the expectations of my mother seeing my son grow up, sharing his achievements and his joys, and him sharing in her abundant love, kindness and wisdom. Everything just ceased to exist on the afternoon of Saturday, April 7, 2012.

Life will never be the same.

Eventually, I believe it’s possible to be happy again, or so I’ve been told. Im trying to find happiness through my relationship with God, my son, family and friends in my life. The love and kindness my mother so generously gave to me, is hard to share with others. It’s hard to give something that is so cherished to me that originated with her.

While, I graciously accept the gift of my mom’s life. I also accept that our greatest gifts are not ours to hold forever – but to appreciate and give back to God. But death leaves a heartache that’s often times unbearable therefore, how can happiness be apart of that equation? I try to think of ways to help others as a means to feel better to help my own healing process. Encouraging others, encourages me. When I give back, I’m honoring moms missionary legacy. When I find myself thinking of the time she is having in heaven, I smile and that gives me a small piece of happiness.

As the days go by and I allow God’s healing to take place, I pray daily that the emptiness and unhappiness I feel sometimes will be filled with the reminder of God’s promise to never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6) and to be with me always (Matthew 28:20). Mom is not here anymore, but God is. He has and will always be there.

God called and Mom answered. Who am I to question or be angry at God? Who am I to want to deny mom a better life worth living?

Philippians 1:21-26 (NIV)
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

I should bask in the life she had and enjoyed here and how happy she is in heaven. My happiness should merely come from the fact that she is happy and sitting with God. She’s not suffering, she is having the time of her eternal life the way we remember her. Mom was taken well care of, loved and cherished when while she was here. She’s getting the royal treatment now! Its not fair to be selfish but I’m human and it DOES hurt to not have her here. The daily struggle is finding the balance, can I be happy in my life without my mom? Will what should be my happy moments be overshadowed by her absence?

Everyone’s journey to happiness isn’t the same. The distance between the depths of our sadness and road traveled in order to find happiness is different. The best way to honor her would be to not just find individual happiness but to make sure that the rest of the family is happy and cared for as well.

The reality is that being happy doesn’t mean that mom is loved less or forgotten. It just means that we stop allowing the grief to consume our lives. What will honor her memory is for us to live, love, laugh and enjoy the life she helped give us.

I Wish You Enough

I can’t remember where I found this but I thought it was too good to not share.

I love you and I wish you enough.

I wish you enough.” May I ask what that means?”

When it’s said ‘I wish you enough’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them”.

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.”

They say it takes a minute to find a special person. An hour to appreciate them. A day to love them and an entire life to forget them.