Tag Archive | Mommy

Where’s My Reward?

Alzheimer’s came into my family’s life in the early to mid 90’s when my precious Grandmother the Late Julia Mae Brown was diagnosed. We knew very little about the disease and went along with what the doctors said and did what they told us to do. Gran became a shell of her former self. She was very forgetful, didn’t remember her family, wandered off and even had angry out bursts. The Grandmother who would walk me across the street to Mrs. Winner’s to get cinnamon rolls, dance and sing was mentally gone.

Mom watched my Gran slip away and I know it hurt her terribly. She was the only girl and shared a very special relationship with her. I recall the hurt in my Mother’s voice as she eulogized Gran on December 11, 2006  “So long Julia, So long Julie, So long Mom… Bye Bye take your rest…” It was after that moment that we would often hear Mom say “Lord, let me keep my mind.” Then a couple of years later my step-mother passed away from a tragic fall due to hemorrhaging in her brain. Mom became extra careful with going up and down steps and more cautious of things around her. She didn’t want what happened to Gran or my step-mom to happen to happen to her. As a life skills trainer for the Learning Services Mom had a soft spot for the patients she worked with who suffered from major brain injuries. We were all shocked to learn that Mom had a terminal and cancerous brain tumor.

I remember taking Mom to her very first oncology appointment. The doctor had no beside manner, was very cold (to me anyways) and told Mom she could do radiation and take the chemotherapy pill that at the end of the day most people with gliblastoma mutliforme only live 2 to 5 years from diagnosis. I sat there in shock, looking at this man who basically told me that my Mother, my world, my reason for being a “miracle” would die! Mom on the other hand seemed unmoved by what he was saying, she was very polite and said “Ok” and “Thank you.” took the prescriptions, referrals, gave the man a hug and walked out. I’m not sure if she held it together because I (the youngest of her children) was there or what. On the way home steady tears streamed down my face and Mom said to me “Merical Joy, do I need to drive?” I said “No, ma’am.” and then she said “Well, fix your face.” I knew that while the doctor told my Mom she was going to die, she knew who had the final answer. (1 Corinthians 15:58 | NIV Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.)

Mom's first oncology visit

Mom’s first oncology visit

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This is why I found myself being upset with God today… Psalms 37:4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Mother prayed to keep her mind, so why couldn’t she have her hearts desire to not suffer like her mother, my step mother and her patients at work? She accepted His call, did what He asked and during the worse part of her illness she felt as if she had more work to do.” For the life of me I can’t understand “WHY??” To me, she DID have more work to do. There was so much more that I needed to know and learn from her. By no way do I believe that God is a magician, but I do believe that He is a miracle worker. Didn’t my Mom deserve a miracle? With all of her ups, downs, struggles and success shouldn’t she have gotten something?

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Mom’s Last Radiation Treatment

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After I got out of my feelings and into my Bible and then to google for further research, 1 Corinthians 2:9 was revealed to me and it says, “However, as it is written: What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived — the things God has prepared for those who love him.” At the end of the day how can you question that?

Everything that happened leading up to Mom’s transition is still very fresh and hard to accept sometimes especially with the anniversary of her passing approaching. I’m doing the best I can for the most part because I DO know God, I DO Love Him, and I DO believe in His Word and I KNOW she’s not coming back. It’s just today is not a good day. I really miss, want and need my Mommy and I pray tomorrow will be better.

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34 Years….

Waking up in tears… Today is my 34th birthday. I dreamed of Mom last night. She called and asked me to take pics of her at the church. No matter how many times I tried to capture her I couldn’t. I was either too far away or my camera wouldn’t shoot. While attempting to take one last photo of her she started to faint, I ran towards her but by the time I got to her she was gone.

Photography is something that I love and cherish dearly and Mom was my biggest supporters and I pride myself on being able to capture amazing photos. It was frustrating trying to figure out what the point of the dream was and then I remembered this photography quote…

“Life is like a camera. Focus on what’s important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don’t turn out right, just take another shot.”

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Mom’s not here but she did give me life and wouldn’t want me to focus on her death. To enjoy the good times, develop and grow from the bad times and to keep trying and pushing forward.

Today I will celebrate my birth, the beautiful mother that I was blessed with and the life that I have lived so far. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been good nonetheless. I can lift my hands and say “Thank You, Lord. I won’t complain!” through sorrows, tears, smiles and triumphs.

Happy Birthday to ME!

Celebrating the Before and After Life

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Today would have been my Mom’s 74th Birthday. On Sunday, January 20, 2013 my siblings and family gathered to release 74 balloons and celebrate and Mom’s life. Her birthday is extremely hard for me because I wasn’t with Mom for her last birthday. Had I known last year was going to be her last, I would have worked harder to be at her side. God ordained things to happen the way they did. I don’t feel any guilt because when I was and could be there, I was and I enjoyed every single moment of it no matter how hard it was. As I continue to travel this road from grief to healing, I ask for continued prayers. The void in my heart and not having her here still hurts. I pray constantly for healing and restoration.

Mom, I carry your love in my spirit and your words in and my heart. I miss your smile and laughter. I long to hear your voice, smell your scent and to be able to rest in the comfort of your arms. I cherish every single card you gave me, the wisdom you provided, every prayer when you prayed for, with and over me and my son Adreyn (your baby), for every conversation, every high and low, and everything that you represented as a woman of God. I thank you for being there for me and allowing me being there for you. I’m honored to have had the opportunity to take care of you the way you took care of me. He gave you 73 years of a glorious life here and presented you with the gift of eternal life on the other side. God blessed and granted me 31 years to enjoy a life with you and for that I am humbled and grateful for that honor.

Happy Birthday, Mamee! You are loved and missed.

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Special Delivery to My Loved Ones

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I’m Still Here

As I sit in heaven
And watch your everyday
I try to let you know with signs
I never went away
I hear you when you are laughing
And I watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you as you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So, that you will know you are not alone
Don’t feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied me
Heaven is truly beautiful
Just you wait and see
So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You’ll be taking one for me…

Love you all,
Mom