Archive | July 2012

Joy

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One of my favorite gospel songs has to be “Joy” sung by the Ga Mass Choir and written by Kirk Franklin. The words are so powerful and overwhelming at this stage in my life. The words mean a lil more than they did when I would sing it with the youth choir at my church.

I dreaded the phone call the day Mom passed… My brother Vernon simply said “Mom’s gone.”. I said “Okay…” and hung up the phone. I remember going outside screaming and crying. Fast forward a couple of months later and I heard this song…

“One of these ol’ mornings, it won’t be very long,
You just might look for me, but I’m going on home;
I’m going up to glory where I’m gonna sing and shout,
Oh joy, joy in my soul…”

Filled with emotions and tears… I remembered Mom… The “Joy” she must have felt to “Go home”… Then I remembered the “Joy” she felt when she had and named me “Joy”.

~Amen, walls~

It is because of…

“The Master’s Joy
My Savior’s Joy
The lilly of the valley, Joy
Alpha and Omega, Joy.
In the midnight hour, Joy.
He gives me strength and power, Joy.
No food on the table, Joy.
I know that He is able, Joy…”

I am here, a living testimony of God’s Joy… My Mother’s Joy…

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Miss You Much

Every month around the seventh, I would go into not a depression but a moment of reflection and emotional ups and downs. The family attended a church service in which we wore our family reunion tee shirts. It was quite emotional because for some, myself included because was the first time in church since Mom’s service. Pastor acknowledged the family and paid respect to Mom, my Gran, and Great Gran all who have served in the church. The round of applause we received as a family was some what comforting.

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I needed to get some work done on my car and was allowed to us Mom’s truck. Leading up to this particular Monday, which was the day after the family attended church I had been really in my feelings and missing Mom very much. I went outside to start my car and take it to the dealership for service. My childhood friend Emem was to follow me there, bring me back home to Mom’s truck and head to work. My car would NOT start! I became so frustrated and on the verge of tears when something told me “Look in the back of Moms truck.” I check the back and there were jumper cables in the trunk. Thankfully my car took the jump. When I got back to the truck and called my oldest sister Carol (affectionately known as Pie) and started crying. I was so emotional and she simply told me “Fix your face and pull it together.” something Mother would say. Looking around trying to find something to “fix my face” with, I reached behind the seat and found Mom’s “Ministers” cloth. Needless to say I started to cry even harder.

I kept saying the week before this happened… “I cant believe she’s not here. I can’t believe she’s gone.” It was then, crying into her cloth that I realized that while she wasn’t here in flesh, she WAS here in spirit. She provided me with the things I needed that day. Having the cables to jump my car, cloth to wipe my tears. Things that she would have given me had she been here.

I still feel like I need her, while I can’t see and touch her. She is very much alive in spirit. Sometimes, I hear her voice and catch a glimpse of her when I look in the mirror at myself. I am constantly surrounded by her and that should provide some comfort but I’m human and I am selfish. There are days when I just want my Mommy!!! Those are the days that tend to be hard to get through. I’m learning to take one day at a time. I am ever grateful that God allowed her to be my Mother. I wouldn’t be who and where I am without her.

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This entry was posted on July 29, 2012. 1 Comment

Life Without Mom

It’s taken me a few months to gather myself, my thoughts and feelings together in order to begin to write again. Thank you for for all your prayers, words of encouragement and support.

A New Journey Begins… Life Without Mom

Most mornings I would call Mom on my way to work. Sometimes my sisters and I would do a three way call with her, it was our lil way of staying connected with one another. On days like this I yearn for that phone call, just to hear her voice and laughter.

The family has come together so much more since Mom’s passing. In trying to be strong for each other, we can’t help but feel the void. It was about a month ago that I found myself in my Mother’s room since her funeral. I stood there in disbelief as reality set in that she was really gone. That the past couple of months wasn’t a bad dream. I opened her closet door and was consumed by her scent. A scent that was so comforting to me every time that I was in her presence. Mom called me “Baby Girl” and in her closet, I felt every bit of a “baby” who was crying out for her Mommy. It wasn’t until I started to pull out her hats that I began to feel better.

Mom, left a lot of “things” behind but more importantly she left “life lessons”. She put all she had into her children and beyond. She loved each of us the way we needed to be loved, and gave us what we needed to be prepared for the world. If we weren’t all close to her, then it would probably be a lil easier to move forward. Being that she was such an important part of our lives, it’s hard to begin each day without her. When God called Mom home, I’m sure she felt comfortable in answering His call because she had did all she could for us here and left a legacy that she knew would be carried on.

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I asked my eleven year old son Adreyn one day, not too long after she passed “What are some of your favorite memories of Memama?” (that’s what he called her) He looked at me and fought back his tears and told me “I don’t have a favorite, because they were all good memories.” Adreyn or “Baby Boy” (that’s what she called him) was the youngest of her grand children. He and Mom had a very special relationship. They would spend weekends together and every Monday morning before he returned home she would pray for him. This started maybe five years ago. He would sit in her lap and place her hands on his head and pray. It was so routine for him that he would go in her room or find her in the closet (a place she would often pray in) and climb into her chair and “assume the position” in which he would hold out his hands and tilt his head back and await the prayer.

Adreyn and my nephew Emanuel would take Mom to radiation last summer (2011) and when they returned home Adreyn would assume the position as Mom’s caregiver. I would call throughout the day to check on her. If she didn’t answer the phone my son did and gave me a full report on how she was doing. He said to me one day “Memama is sleeping. I just checked on her.” At the tender age of ten, he knew something was wrong and wanted to be there with and for her. It was because of what she put into him, that allowed him to have that compassion and concern for her well being. A legacy beyond me that will be carried on.

Mom’s life may have ended but her legacy, the life lessons she taught, the way she lived her life will be here forever in the lives of her family and friends. God planted the seed and Mom nurtured it, and what we do with it from here is up to us.

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This entry was posted on July 28, 2012. 1 Comment