Tag Archive | Healing

Special Delivery to My Loved Ones

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I’m Still Here

As I sit in heaven
And watch your everyday
I try to let you know with signs
I never went away
I hear you when you are laughing
And I watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you as you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So, that you will know you are not alone
Don’t feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied me
Heaven is truly beautiful
Just you wait and see
So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You’ll be taking one for me…

Love you all,
Mom

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Release

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On Sunday, January 20, 2013 130pm at Kennedy Memorial Gardens. My siblings and I RELEASED 74 balloons in honor of moms upcoming birthday Thursday, January 24, 2013.

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As we try to put the pieces of our lives back together after our lost, it is always something. When there is disharmony, it makes the continued grieving and healing process even harder. It is my understanding that all of the things that has transpired since mom’s passing is “normal” or that “it happens in every family “. What disturbs my spirit the most is that, normal or not certain things simply should not be. Seeing a person with a sorrowful heart and allowing it to fester is worse than seeing a loved one’s body committed to the ground. They have no clue, knowledge or understanding that having a heart like that can break their spirit. I understand people grieve and deal with loss differently. I however pose the question

“Should someone else’s grieving process affect the healing process of another?”

Proverbs 15:14 The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.

If we have God’s understanding, we can ask Him for the knowledge to overcome every trial and situation. God is bigger than our grief, sorrow, pain and every problem that any of us face. We shouldn’t be like the fool who feeds on his folly. This is a person who is continually mouthing their troubles, blaming others including God. They blame Him (God) for their circumstances and even for taking their loved one away. They fed on self-pity and rehearse their problems to all who will listen. We must give our heartaches and troubles to God and keep a cheerful attitude no matter what is going on in our lives. We need to remember, “this too, shall pass” as God is eternal and has a good plan for our future.

We must find a way to give mom back to the Lord (She belonged to Him first, anyways.) and ask Him to remove the sorrow and grief from our hearts. We can keep the good memories, but we must not allow the enemy to torment us with the bad memories. God will replace the emptiness we feel, if we ask Him to. Jesus died on the cross, not only to give us eternal life, but He also died to take our grief and sorrows. Since He took them, we do not have to take these things into ourselves, but receive healing, and peace by faith. Faith that mom had and displayed everyday prior to her transition.

Isaiah 53:4-6 (NIV) Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Tormenting grief is of the devil, that torment can make you want hold on to things that should not be held on to, like worldly possessions. That negative emotion can cause you to live in the past, ignore your present and void your future. The devil uses bad memories to keep you in bondage and make you hurt people around you. Unknowingly or even knowingly you are hurting family and friends who are trying to transition from grieving to healing. Not caring or being aware and conscious of the fact that they suffered the same loss as you.

The Bible tells us in Philippians 3:13-14 to forget those things behind us, and reach forth to the things in front of us in Christ Jesus. The devil uses grief as way to keep you from remembering God’s Word and promise to us.

I am in no way shape or form an expert and I don’t have all the answers. This journey without mom is new for me and I am learning this process as I go along. I can’t quote hundreds of scriptures. I still have to go to the table of contents to find certain books of the Bible. Im not trying to be preachy or holier than thou, just stating how I feel and know for myself. I know is what I was taught and instilled in me.

I remember how hard it was for my mother to eulogize her own mother years prior to her own passing. Mom did not allow the grief of loosing her own mother to consume her. She didn’t harbor my grandmother’s possessions. She knew the true value of her mother and it wasn’t defined by material things. She continued to live even through her moments of sadness because she was human. She didn’t stop taking care of herself, working, going to church, ministering, and teaching. I know the kind of woman my mother was and not because she was “mom” but because she was a living testimony, inspiration and example.

The best way to honor mom’s life and legacy is to not allow the devil to bind us in so much grief and darkness that we can’t see the light. Mom would want us to be free and release but remember her. Jesus died so that we may live so that we can be blessed and a blessing to others. If we submit to God and resist the devil, then the tormenting grief and pain caused by the devil, will have to flee. (James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.)

With mom’s birthday, the first anniversary of her death and Mother’s Day approaching we have to remember it was God’s voice we heard through her. It was God’s light that we saw in her and it was God’s light that she went into when she passed. We wanted the best for her and she is receiving the best right now, in heaven. How could we not be joyous in that? There is nothing on this side of the world to hold on to but memories of and being there for mom when she needed us the most. My vow is to RELEASE tormented grieving and allow God to heal my heart and fill the void. I want to live the life that God has for me with a “cheerful attitude” and make my mother proud.

1 Corinthians 2:9 But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”

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I am NOT my Mother

Mom lived a full life, did things, saw places and raised 5 children single handily when she had to. She drove cabs, laid bricks, painted houses, laid wallpaper and was one of the best Pastry Chefs at Atlanta’s very own downtown Marriott. She also took care of and had compassion for other people, even when she was ill.

Mother struggled for years before receiving the call of God to be a preacher. Mom lived 73 years to get to where she was mentally and above all spiritually. She had been hurt by others, had been lied on, stolen from and probably other things that I will never know of nor experience. She never felt that she was “grand” as people would marvel at not only her stature but how she carried herself and set standard for women in our church. Mom was above all humble. When she went to church one Sunday a woman from the “Mother’s Board” said to her “Martha, you don’t even look sick.” Mom, simply smiled and said “I don’t even know what sick looks like.” Pity and complaint weren’t apart of who she was. She displayed a level of pride, dignity, respect and commanded a room with her mere presence. Walked with her head held high during trying times, smiled when she felt like crying, and loved those around her sometimes more than she loved herself. You would never catch her looking down and if you did, she it was because she was in prayer. A fashion forward diva and one to be looked up to not just because she tall or was Mommy, but because she was a friend to the sick, a missionary, comforter and a teacher to anyone that came under the sound of her voice. When she went to bed at night and before she took her last breath Mom knew that everything that she was and did was not in vain but because she answered the call to be A Woman of God. She stopped running and found peace, traveled through storms, and was able to tell others that at the end of your storm there would be peace. There would be a rainbow. Mom received her ultimate reward by remaining faithful and forever in prayer.

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With all that being said, I have realized that I am just learning be a Proverbs 31:10-31 Woman.
I know I may never be the woman that my Mom was but I can certainly put forth more of an effort to try to follow her example. Mom believed in the Word of God, she carried it in hear heart. Mom was NOT God and she didn’t pretend to be but she WAS a Living Vessel, a Living Testament to God’s eternal grace and mercy.

When I sat in church for revival a couple of weeks ago, I swear I turned my head often to look for her, to catch her nod, hear her tambourine (which was a stick that lit up!) and to say an “Amen” (in only her way) when the preacher made a great point. In my heart I knew that she wasn’t really there even though I wished she was. I continue to struggle daily with her absence but when the family gets together, I see a little bit of her in all of us. I see her more when I look at my sister Carol and my son AJ and sometimes in myself. I love hearing my niece Carrie talk because sometimes she sounds like her or say things Mom would say. It is then that I am reminded that she is always and forever here.

I want to not only live life through this, I want to live a life that my Mother would be proud of. She didn’t want to suffer through life with her illness and she doesn’t want us to suffer because of her death. She lived and it’s time for us to live through the grieving. While we will never be completely whole, we can rejoice in her life, cherish her smile and bask in the remembrance of her laughter. She loved us and it’s time to allow that same love to heal us. It’s time to heal… It’s not going to be easy but admitting, confessing, and crying out to God is our only way.

Matthew 5:4 – “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”
Know that you can be renewed and transformed through God but it takes humility in order for these experiences to take place. Human pride often blocks our dealing with painful problems. Once we finally admit our wrongdoings, failures and hurts there can be a real solution for us. Humbling ourselves before God is the ultimate key that will allow us to experience the wonderful comfort that only the Almighty One can provide.