Every month around the seventh, I would go into not a depression but a moment of reflection and emotional ups and downs. The family attended a church service in which we wore our family reunion tee shirts. It was quite emotional because for some, myself included because was the first time in church since Mom’s service. Pastor acknowledged the family and paid respect to Mom, my Gran, and Great Gran all who have served in the church. The round of applause we received as a family was some what comforting.
I needed to get some work done on my car and was allowed to us Mom’s truck. Leading up to this particular Monday, which was the day after the family attended church I had been really in my feelings and missing Mom very much. I went outside to start my car and take it to the dealership for service. My childhood friend Emem was to follow me there, bring me back home to Mom’s truck and head to work. My car would NOT start! I became so frustrated and on the verge of tears when something told me “Look in the back of Moms truck.” I check the back and there were jumper cables in the trunk. Thankfully my car took the jump. When I got back to the truck and called my oldest sister Carol (affectionately known as Pie) and started crying. I was so emotional and she simply told me “Fix your face and pull it together.” something Mother would say. Looking around trying to find something to “fix my face” with, I reached behind the seat and found Mom’s “Ministers” cloth. Needless to say I started to cry even harder.
I kept saying the week before this happened… “I cant believe she’s not here. I can’t believe she’s gone.” It was then, crying into her cloth that I realized that while she wasn’t here in flesh, she WAS here in spirit. She provided me with the things I needed that day. Having the cables to jump my car, cloth to wipe my tears. Things that she would have given me had she been here.
I still feel like I need her, while I can’t see and touch her. She is very much alive in spirit. Sometimes, I hear her voice and catch a glimpse of her when I look in the mirror at myself. I am constantly surrounded by her and that should provide some comfort but I’m human and I am selfish. There are days when I just want my Mommy!!! Those are the days that tend to be hard to get through. I’m learning to take one day at a time. I am ever grateful that God allowed her to be my Mother. I wouldn’t be who and where I am without her.